unweaving the nest

pajama casual

Working from home has so many perks. I'm liking it bunches. Today I finished a large project that I have been working on for a few weeks and sent it off just after 5:00 p.m. This is a fabulous thing, because lately I've been working day and night and have had little time to pull the plug before dinner and get into my jammies and relax the rest of the night. 

Strike that.

What I should be saying is that I have made little effort to take a shower, get dressed and head out for an evening of fun. Yes friends, today was the pinnacle of stay-at-home jobness. I took a shower (at noon), oh yes I did, but I put my pajamas BACK ON and then proceeded to buckle back into my work chair for the rest of the afternoon.  And if I'm really honest, this is not the first time. :p

I'm thinking I should start showering and getting dressed first thing in the morning, like a real person. For instance right now I could go get dressed and head out for a while, actually leave my driveway and shovel off the snow that's been accumulating on my car. Or I could pull on my boots and walk into town. 

Somehow my jammies are the stronger arm in that little match of wrestling.

No, what I really want to do tonight is work on a drawing I've started. I will pull my boots on and take the garbage down (I somehow missed that event last week. And the week before.) And I promised myself I would start my morning tomorrow with a walk at the farm.

I could easily turn into something resembling  one of those little rodents that have no eyes and live under a rock.

And really, well, truth is I miss being out and about. I'm a people person and while I have contact with others over the internet and all for work, I really miss seeing people face to face. I was heading out a couple of times a week to do my work in a diner over east of here, but lately gas money has not been as plentiful. I haven't been visiting friends. I barely get to the grocery store.

I really, really miss my weekend morning drives out in the hills with my friend.

Working at home sure has its perks, yes, like flexibility and being here when my daughter is home, but it don't add up to nothing if I never get out of my jammies.

Somebody once said that if you work from home and you have to make phone calls to clients you should dress in a business-like way. That you'll sound more professional if you're dressed professionally. I don't think I'd go that far, but I'm pretty sure I'm ready to start getting dressed again.

TTFN. No use pulling on my jeans and polar fleece at 7 p.m. It's time to play with ink. But I've got my laundry done, and I'll lay my clothes out where I can see them in the morning. :) And I can take the garbage out in my owl pants.

 

 

chin up, boots on

These last few weeks before the snow settles in are so beautiful to me. What colours are left in the Western New York landscape seem luminous under a grey November sky. Hardly a day goes by that I don't find myself in awe of the way nature lets out her final yawns after a busy summer, the riotous hues of autumn dropping off bit by bit until the world becomes muted in colour and sound both. There is a palpable easiness about it. Yes, she settles in for her long sleep quite happily, I think. Such grace.

I've been thinking about silence today, how a long walk in early winter fields and woods has a peace about it that I don't find in summer. There is a certain dependance on my state of mind that dictates how I react to that kind of quiet. Right now I have to say I'm not reacting very well. Instead of settling into my thoughts and letting dreaminess in, I'm fighting it. I'm restless and agitated. Can't concentrate on anything. I flit from one thing to the next like a fly trapped in a donut shop.

It's a disconcerting place to be when you're out of work and have entire days to fill. Oh, there's plenty to get done; I'm just not getting anything accomplished. Okay then, sit down with a novel you've been meaning to read. Two pages and I'm looking out the window. Okay, head out for a walk. The quiet surrounds me and only enhances my distracted head full of worry and doubts. How about a nap? 

Pathetic, I know.

So today I decided it would be different. I woke up early and did my morning chores with music to sing to. I dressed for the weather and met a friend for a walk, someone who always calms me down and helps me breathe a little easier. I stopped at another friend's house for a cup of coffee. So far so good. Went home and enjoyed my daughter's company before she left for work. Uploaded photographs that I took earlier. Made a small fire and started to read a novel and made it through 23 pages. And then the silence hit me again, my chest started to tighten, thoughts flooded and I panicked.

There is a lot going on right now beneath my surface. Feelings of betrayal, loss, doubt, hesitance, confusion as to just what it is I am on this earth to do. Too many choices with no clear direction. Too many dreams that I'm afraid lead to nowhere. There are days I wish I would go to sleep and just wake up practical. 

I applied for three jobs this past week and also registered with a temp agency. I also filed for unemployment. Never done that before and didn't even realize it was a possibility. Always thought, okay, go out and get another job, whatever comes along. So far it's worked out okay, but this time I'm not so sure. Here's the thing, not one of the three jobs I've applied for have anything to do with what I'm good at. All of them require endless hours on a telephone every day, which is something I already know (from 2 1/2 years of doing it) is about the worst thing in the world for me. Well, I guess I'm thinking that if I get unemployment it will allow me to take my time a little more and not just grab the first job I'm offered because the bills are due. I really really don't want to end up in a job I have to leave again and that's what happens when you're grasping at straws.

The good thing about all of this uncertainty and unrest is that it's partly coming from the desire to take a chance. I wish I knew what the chance was; that would sure be a step forward. Right now all I've got is a mind full of chaos, ideas running amuck, choices swirling around me like glitter in a snow globe. I am thinking it would be helpful if God would cooperate and send his hands down onto each of my shoulders, press me firmly into the ground to stop my spinning, point me in the right direction and say "Okay kid, this is what I need you to do."

Yeah, maybe we all wish that, hey? 

You know, I'd be fine working any job at all, except now I know what it feels like to wake and go to work and do something you really loved to do. Unfortunately it was something that wasn't meant to be and I'm pretty pissed off at the jackasses that allowed that to happen. (Did I just say that? Progress!) But really, I should be thankful. I should be thankful for yet another opportunity to get it right. To get up and try once more to find out what I'm capable of. 

Is this a terribly ego-centric rant or what? Wow. Maybe God should just send down his boot, kick me in the ass and say "stop your whining and get to work, will ya? Good grief!"

Okay then. If you happen to be one of my readers that sees me on a regular basis, will you please remind me that no whining is allowed? Chin up, boots on.

Time to rake some leaves.

 

a little lesson from tolstoy, and a major gear shift

 I have several copies of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina and this one is my favourite. It is not dated, which I always find disappointing when I buy an antiquarian book, but it has a lovely, faded green cloth cover with gold lettering, and was published by The Modern Library, Random House, New York. It is not my favourite translation, but what makes it so special is a handwritten letter of friendship, which dates to at least 1950, opposite the title page. The letter was written in fountain pen blue by a woman named Lynn to her long time friend, Nan. It's very personal and sincere and it warms my heart every time I happen to read it again. It speaks of the true nature of friendship, of no matter how life disappoints you, your true relationships will endure. You know, through thick and through thin, fat times and lean, you find a way to make the best of things together, and together you find a way through, with smiles in your hearts because you always have one another and an undying respect, even when one of you messes up royally.

I took this book down from the shelf this morning to find a passage I wanted to quote in a story that I am writing. Whenever I take this novel down I have to read the first few pages. The story begins with perhaps Tolstoy's most famous line, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." The long and intertwining tales of three families begin here, and in particular with the Oblansky family, where Dolly has learned that her husband has been having an affair, and subsequently many affairs, and soon confides in Anna Karenina that even though she despises him and can't bear to look at him, she is bound because of children. Nothing turns out too well for the Oblansky family, because as Tolstoy shows us, a family that begins without sincere love, or even a mutual and strong respect for one another, is doomed from the start. Yes, they remain together, but it is a tragic tale for all concerned.

The second family is of course the Karenins and once again we see a union that is doomed from the beginning. Anna fears and despises her husband and eventually falls in love with another man, Vronski, and begins an affair as well. Tolstoy uses these two scenarios to clearly show the double standards that were so present in Russian society at that time; while it was not condoned for a man to have an affair, it was much more accepted. When a woman such as Anna strayed from her marriage bed, the shame she incurred would ruin her life, while the men, such as Vronski and Oblansky, continued to move up in society. This is of course one of the major themes of this story. There is a very powerful scene in which Karenin confronts Anna about her infidelity and she replies:

"'No, you were not mistaken,' she said slowly, looking despairingly into his cold face.  'You were not mistaken.  I was, and cannot help being, in despair.  I listen to you but I am thinking of him.  I love him, I am his mistress, I cannot endure you.  I am afraid of you, and I hate you. Do what you like to me.'" 

As Anna admits to Karenin that she has been having an affair with Vronsky, and also clearly portrays the utter despair in her marriage, you would think that this would be a great changing point in the novel, that the loveless marriage would be over. Instead, Karenin decides that he will try to put an end to the affair and continue the appearances that their marriage is fine. Coming at this from the 21st century, it seems a really sick thing to do, but then Karenin is portrayed as a fairly evil man. He proceeds to ruin Anna's reputation and cut her off from the man she loves, and we all know how that ends up...Anna under the train.

The third family Tolstoy portrays is the Levins, and while we see them plow through many troubles and doubts, they appear to be the happiest of the bunch. Their beginning was founded on mutual respect though, and a sincere fondness for one another (even though at first Kitty refuses his marriage proposal because she think she would be better off marrying an officer like Vronski, instead of a country dweller such as Levin) which may not have been passionate, or love at first sight, but like a true friendship it would not only endure the troubles that life brought to them, but grow richer from them. In the end Kitty and Levin both realize it is much better to be true to themselves instead of what society expects them to be, and find happiness in their life together.

I have always loved this story. Not only for the vast scope of Russian society and life during that time, or the strong expression of how land effects the soul of not only a society, but a person, but for the underlying message of what damage can be done when appearances and societal expectations become more important than an individual's well-being. Far too often in those times people suffered and were held hostage in a life that could only but endure and usually to a doomed ending for all involved.

Well, here is the gear shift. Over the past hour my computer has crashed three times, causing me to lose entire paragraphs and more at a time. My thought pattern on this one has now vanished. I had this lovely little coming together of all these meandering paragraphs, and now...gone. It's becoming too frustrating to work on something only to have it disappear, even though I am consistently saving my files. 

So, until fortune smiles upon me (read: until I save enough pennies) to buy a new computer, the only writing I will be doing is on a sheet of paper either by pencil or typewriter. Unfortunately, blogs don't work that way. And obviously computers are not like those loved ones that stand by you as lifelong friends. But a typewriter might be. That will be a post for when and if I'm back to writing on virtual paper.

Sayonara until then.

 

 

time to invent vigorous knitting

So d* has me logging into bicycling superstar icon Lance Armstrong's Livestrong Web site every day to chart my progress during our new adventure. I have to say it is an impressive virtual world of healthiness. d* and I are using the free services such as MyPlate, and the fitness tracker, which allow you to enter every bit of food and drink you put into your mouth and every bit of activity you engage in, and at the end of the day you get a detailed summary of exactly how you are doing nutritionally and also how many calories you have burned. 

Okay, so I'm doing it. Third day in and I've discovered quite a bit about how lousy my previously healthy eating habits (or so I thought!) really are. Let me give you an example.

So the past two days I have been extra careful and aware of every crumb that has passed through my lips, every drop of liquid, where as before I can attest to being mostly mindless about it ( I mean who thinks of beer as calories?) and just thinking I naturally make decent choices most of the time. Here is what my plate looked like yesterday:

Breakfast: a two egg white veggie omelette, small glass of OJ, and a cup of coffee with a teaspoon of half and half.

Lunch: an apple and a Kashi GoLean protein and fiber bar

Afternoon snacK: shared a salad of one roma tomato, fresh basil and 1 ounce of fresh mozzerella, half a cucumber and half an avocado and a drizzle of oilve oil and balsamic vinegar. And a half slice of whole rye bread with a trace of whipped butter on it.

Dinner: high protein pasta (1 cup) with a fresh tomato, three kalamata olives and a drizzle of olive oil, crushed red peppers, garlic and maybe a tablesppon of cheese. And another 1/2 slice of that whole rye bread.

Not a bad day, in my book. SO how did it look on Livestrong?

 

Cals: 1300

Fat: 64g

Cholesterol: 99mg

Sodium: 1274mg

Carbs: 134g

Sugars: 44g

Fiber: 17g

Protein: 43g

I was in the red alert zone for sugars, fat, fiber AND protein. Okay, so one less piece of bread and a few more veggies. Maybe an orange instead of orange juice. I get it.

I did 45 minutes of pilates, so I burned 291 calories, leaving me with a deficit in my calorie intake, which I have set at 1300. They recommend 1700 for my height and weight in order to lose two pounds a week, but I know better than that...so I've lowered it to 1300. Anyhow, I didn't feel hungry or deprived, and it's not TOO far off from what a normal day would be for me, or is it? I decided to make a "test" day of what an average day last week ( I won't bore you with the details) would have looked like. Here is what Livestrong came up with for that:

Cals:1684

Fat:78g

Cholesterol:483mg

Sodium:2331mg

Carbs:177g

Sugars:28g

Fiber:9g

Protein:63g

Holy sodium and fat intake, Batman! RED ALERT for every single thing...and that was a day where I was being mindful and didn't have a couple beers either. Good lord help me for those nights where I sample a few chicken wings or indulge in half of a fried bologna sandwich. I shudder to think of it. (Actually I've not shuddered to think of it, but shuddered with delight at the taste of it)

So it's obvious that I've got to be more aware of what I'm feeding myself. (At least 95% of the time. I'm no sadist.)

But the real kicker came when I was exploring activities that burn calories. So 45 minutes of pilates is 291 calories burned, and a half an hour of running is 482. If I take a good hard walk for an hour that's 565 calories off the plate. But Livestrong has lots of things to choose from, thousands, that count as physical activity that are much more fun and interesting than pilates and running. For instance, the Web site clocks knitting in at 146 calories an hour. Knitting! I can do that! And grocery shopping is 347 calories an hour. Now, I wouldn't call it fun or interesting, but if you must do it, you might as well burn that extra piece of bread off, and heck, it's almost as much as taking a brisk walk! And cooking...205 calories an hour. 

If I actually had more sleep in my life I could burn 49 calories doing that, so really I should be ahead of most folks who get their 8 hours in because I'm burning up more by just being awake.

If I stand when I write I can burn 223 of those little buggers, and if I stand while I eat? 194! (Doesn't it seem like eating would burn more calories than writing? Must be all that brain activity.) Driving is 194 calories an hour, so by the time I got to New Hampshire I would be able to enjoy a 1746 calorie meal? This is sounding really, really doable!

But the most pleasant news was this...vigorous sex burns 146 calories per blissful hour. Exactly the same as knitting. I know, that's hard to believe. I've never broken a sweat knitting before, have you? There must be some mistake. But I mean, it's Livestrong.com. They know what they're talking about, right? 

Well, at least I know that if I knit for an hour after vigorous sex I don't have to feel guilty about not running that day. Or, I can look at it this way...if I knit for an hour after vigorous sex AND a half hour run...I can have a small cup of espresso bean ice cream. Now that's a lifestyle I can live with. Thanks *d!

 

 

 

parasites

I've been having tons of weird dreams lately. Last night took the cake though. All I can say was it was nightmarish and had to do with human-looking parasites (resembling people that I know, but don't necessarily like or admire) that sucked the life right out of real people. So bizarre. I could probably write a screenplay and it would be a huge blockbuster. People love that kind of shit. 

I don't. It was scary. Horrific at the time of waking.

Later it made me think about the word parasite in other ways, much subtler than the nightmarish kind I had just experience, but just as devastating if they are allowed to continue on their helpless little journey. Because really, a parasite is helpless without a host. They can't take care of or provide for themselves, so they latch on to something else and get a basically free ride. They may have to expend a little energy over the duration, sure, but honestly, what a mindless and pathetic way to exist. But they're here for a reason, just like all living things. I'm just wondering what that reason is. (one sure way to fell a nightmare is to turn it into dictionary search)

Main Entry: par·a·site

Pronunciation: \ˈper-ə-ˌsīt, ˈpa-rə-\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle French, from Latin parasitus, from Greek parasitos, from para- + sitos grain, food (eat from someone else's table)

Date: 1539

1.    an organism that lives on or in an organism of another species, known as the host, from the body of which it obtains nutriment.

2.     a person who receives support, advantage, or the like, from another or others without giving any useful or proper return, as one who lives on the hospitality of others.

3 : something that resembles a biological parasite in dependence on something else for existence or support without making a useful or adequate return

— par·a·sit·ic \ˌper-ə-ˈsi-tik, ˌpa-rə-\ also par·a·sit·i·cal \-ti-kəl\ adjective

— par·a·sit·i·cal·ly \-ti-k(ə-)lē\ adverb

synonyms parasite, sycophant, toady, leech, sponge mean a usually obsequious flatterer or self-seeker. parasite applies to one who clings to a person for means of survival who is otherwise useless to society . sycophant adds to this a strong suggestion of fawning, flattery, or adulation <a powerful prince surrounded by sycophants>. toady emphasizes the servility and snobbery of the self-seeker <cultivated leaders of society and became their toady>. leech stresses persistence in clinging to or bleeding another for one's own advantage <a leech living off his family and friends>. sponge stresses the parasitic laziness, dependence, and opportunism of the cadger <a shiftless sponge, always looking for a handout>.

Wow! Talk about a word with only negative connotations! Doesn't seem so scary anymore. Those little suckers in my dream were just pathetic excuses for human beings. Lazy ass sons-and-daughters-of-bitches. Why didn't I stand to them for the pansies they really are? I still don't know why God created parasites, but I hope I dream it again. I'll have my superhero cape of truth and knowledge tied around my neck and I'll uncover and expose them for who they really are.

They say we have dreams for a reason. To gain some clarity on a situation, or to alert us to subconscious rivers within us that may be starting to flow a little too wildly. Is my subconscious telling me it's time for other members of this household to start contributing a little more? Geesh, I already knew that, and I wouldn't call them parasites. They actually do make my life better, much better, and help me out in lots of ways, even if they are not contributing financially. No, I don't think that's it.

Maybe it's just that my life feels so out of my control lately. Maybe the parasite dream is simply about not having control. Maybe it's because lately I feel like my brains have been sucked out on most days.

Or maybe it's not about me at all. Maybe it's just a dream. My overactive imagination needing to stretch its legs after being cooped up for too long. 

Whatever it was, its effect is waning. I don't feel the panic I felt when i woke up from that string of dreams. Sorry if I've bored you...but I'm feeling so much better now. Well, about the dream anyhow. And I really had to laugh when this appeared in Google search results when I looked up the meaning of the word parasite. Someone has a really sick sense of humor. And there is also something really wrong with photo. If you didn't know who they were would you think they were father and daughter? Weird.