priorities (?)

(I am writing this post with the awareness that every woman who goes through this has her own very individual and deeply personal feelings about it. There is no right or wrong, and my thoughts and feelings that I am writing here in no way attempt to portray a perspective of this beyond my own.)

If someone told you that you have breast cancer, where would your mind go first?

Am I going to die from this?

Seems like the most rational response to me. And of course it is one that has been rattling around in my head now and again---but it's not what keeps me up at night.

Even though it lurks somewhere in the shadows of what is happening in my life right now, I have never felt that I was going to die from this. Now, how in the hell can I know this? I don't know how. I just know. (Written with the full-realization that I have been self-duped before.) So what IS keeping me awake at night this week? (Last week it was something else entirely.) As if the diagnosis of cancer in your body isn't enough, or the thought of losing your breast---which can emotionally knock a woman down pretty hard. What else can keep me awake?

At the moment it's implants.

I know, I know...what a great thing. Something that women have not always had available to them as an option after mastectomy. There are certainly other options, but all of them require intense surgeries and massive scars. Long recovery times. Risks. I've written about all of that already. But the one option that seems to be very best one for a woman's health and for ease of recovery and getting on with life is the last one on my list. And I am starting to panic about why I can't choose this one.

That option is? Simply doing nothing at all about reconstruction. An option that was never mentioned to me once by my physicians, even though it is a very viable one---although not profitable for the medical industry. Of course they most likely think this is so obvious that they do not need to mention it. But what is left unsaid is often just as powerful as what is said. Maybe we are left to think there is something wrong with doing nothing at all.

I'm thinking every doctor should be offering this as a valid choice for every woman facing mastectomy. It is safer. It requires less surgery, less pain, less money spent, less risk of complications, less recovery time. And during a time when a woman's focus should be on taking care of her WHOLE self in a healthy way, it would be one less heavy decision to make. One less thing to keep her awake at night.

I guess the whole point of reconstruction is to make you feel whole again. If you lost an ear, you might want another one, whether you could hear out of it or not. I suppose if you lost an eye you'd consider a glass replacement. And certainly if you lost something as important as a leg you'd want a prosthesis. I wonder if a man lost his testicles if he could have testicular reconstruction? I wonder if he would even consider it? But a woman's breasts are a different kind of thing. They are hidden from the public (at least in our puritan culture), and once you are past the child-bearing stage of your life it's not like you rely on them to get you through a day. No one but you and the one person you are most intimate with is going to know that they are missing. You will still be able to get up and go to work and take care of things. So why is it so damn devastating to some women to lose them? (Myself included.) And why are we a culture that is so obsessed with breasts anyway?

I'm not alone in these feelings I am having. According to a recent medical study:

There is a significant psychological trauma associated with the loss of one or both breasts. In one study it was noted, the breast, far more importantly than any other anatomical part, is an emotional symbol of a woman's femininity, sexuality and motherliness.

Emotional symbol of femininity, sexuality and motherliness. Can't say that about an ear or an eye or a leg. So even though you won't look weird to a person passing you by on the street, and you will still be able to get up and go to work and take care of things...that is a pretty hefty hole to fill I would say. Emotional holes are the hardest to fill. And will an implant be able to do that? I'm starting to doubt that it can.

Well, of course it can't. This is an issue of heart and spirit and love and knowing---truly knowing---that we are more than our individual body parts. I have to laugh when I think of something an amazing woman, exactly my age, who has gone through all of this, wrote to me recently. She said she seriously considered not getting reconstruction at all. Her breasts were never a big deal to her and her husband would think she was hot even if she gained 60 pounds and lost both breasts. But the bottom line for her was that she didn't think she could keep track of a prosthesis. She has a hard enough time keeping track of her car keys and her children and could see herself scrambling to find it and only to discover a chewed up piece of plastic near the dog dish. Oh I laughed when I read that. But she also wrote to me that I am more than my breasts, or any other singular thing about me. And of course I know that, my mind knows that, but it's an entirely different thing to feel that way deep inside when you are faced with all of this crap. Her words stuck with me though. They swam around my bedroom last night while I was staring at the walls.

Back to that medical study. The femininity, sexuality and motherliness. Femininity is something I will never lack. I may not be a high-maintenance diva who dons high heels and painted nails and lips, but I'm a girl through and through. I'm soft. I'm emotional. I love kittens and lacy things and tragic, romantic stories that make me cry. I do love a gorgeous bra and how I fill it out...but is that the crux of my femininity? Not the last time I checked. I'm in no danger of losing any part of my femininity, so cross that one off the list.

Motherliness? My breasts fed my children and they nestled their sweet little heads through many years of joys and sorrows. But my heart and my deep, unconditional love for them is what mothers them. They no longer have any need for my breasts anymore than they need my uterus. I don't need breasts to be a mother, and truly I never did. They would have survived and thrived just the same without them, and truthfully I know some men that make better mothers than some women I know. So cross that one off, too.

Sexuality?

Aye, there's the rub. I told myself that if I was going to write about this I would tell the truth as best as I could, and the truth begins with the fact that my self-image has been through a bit of a battle when it comes to my sexuality. I am by nature a very, very sensual creature and making love with the man that my heart belongs to is about one of the most important things in my life. But the physical aspects of it, even the mechanics of it, have never held a candle to the emotional or spiritual side of things for me. Nevertheless I spent many, many years in a marriage to a man, a perfectly nice man, that put high value on appearances and he let me know time and time again that mine just didn't measure up to his standards. It's just who he is, and I am not here to judge him. It was by no means all that he was and I can't discount all the other sides to him. But he did some emotional damage to me, and I will not discount that either. And he would freely admit if you asked him. It has taken me a long time to even begin to overcome that shadow, and it's not over yet. But I know the difference now, and I know that it doesn't have to be that way. And I know that the man who holds my heart forever will be the antidote to all that emotional pain I carried with me for so long. That is one of the most beautiful truths I know. So why, why, why do I have this fear of my breast not being there? Why does it scare me so much? Why do I feel that I need two perfect whole breasts to be the same person that I am, right now, today? I don't have an answer for that. I only know it kept me up in tears last night. And I know that I am struggling with the reason, my reason, that I feel I need to replace what I am about to lose.

I am a writer, for all of the reasons that I mentioned in my post a few days ago. And putting all of this down here in this space is one way I can attempt to work through my uncertainty. Has it helped this time? Not really. Maybe it's too early to tell. Maybe I'll read through what I've written later tonight or even many days later and something will hit me like a bolt of lightning. Maybe I'll have some clarity. But for now it's still a hole. An achy, gaping hole.

And maybe you are reading this and thinking "Hey now, let's stick to the important part; you know you're not going to die. Let's get the priorities straight here." And believe me, I know this myself and I repeat it like a mantra. But it's real and it's how I feel right now. And I bet there are other women out there who have had the very same feelings. We are never alone in our struggles, that is one thing I know for sure.

I read a true story about a young woman who really struggled with all of these same issues. Who put her life on hold and turned down a chance of real love because she was too afraid of the pain of revealing her scars. It took a long time for her to recognize her true beauty. The sum of all of her parts, concrete and abstract. And then the man she wanted to love had this idea. This beautiful idea. And here is the result.

And they LIVED happily ever after.

My wish is that whatever I decide, I will have that kind of grace.

 

Comments

[sylvia hartman]

Kateri,

I just read your post and want you too know that from what I remember about you you are beautiful in every way.

I know the feeling of sometimes a man can take away who we are and we can never measure up to their expectation but; truely who cares they are only men.

When I was young in Lugano I had a boyfriend who was always very abusive about the way I looked. I was so ashamed about having big breast that I would not let him see me naked in light. When I meet my husband I was still ashamed and did the same thing but; then I realized he didn't care.

Anyway the whole point of my comment is no matter what. I know in my heart you are going to be just as beautiful as when you went into it.

[alix]

I know whatever you choose will be right and you just may have to really grapple with it and question yourself to arrive at that most liberated decision. Breast or no breast, you are and will always be the most sensual, sexy, beautiful woman!

P.S. I would design your tattoo for you!

[katie]

dear kateri,
the questioning and searching you are doing go so deep into "the who" of who you are, and i believe that any experience, crisis or bliss, that takes us on that journey is an amazing gift to receive. the grappling with the issues of femininity, humanity, love, sexuality... probing the "I" to find out what its really made of, what can we lose and remain 'intact'? and does the real "I" need any body parts or even body to feel complete? these questions you are asking tug at my heart too, even though i'm thankfully not losing my breast. i am though acutely aware of my own physical losses as i age, little griefs that can erode my perception of who i think i am. approaching menopause has been big that way, a total surprise to me as i was quite ready to give up those hard menstrual periods and migraines i've suffered through for years, but it has affected me deeply. i'm losing a part of my femininity, the mother-earth-abundance-of-creation part that birthed children, that accompanied those phases. those have now ceased to be. i'm left changed and grieving the part that is lost, and probing deeper into the part that is left, wondering am i still whole now or am i a faded reflection of who i was? deep down i know I am still the same, the the part of me that is universal and unchanging isn't touched by what happens in this body, but the body certainly makes it feel quite believeable, that "I" amd "it". questioning is what we do, what carries us along and through this human adventure, those of us who are here for the journey, embodying this incarnation with all it's ups and its most certain downs.

one thing i feel very sure of - i know you'll come out of this more whole than ever, breast missing or not, breast replacement or not. i am inspired by you, your courage, your openness, your tenderness, and your endless questioning. you are amazing my frend...
much love and a big hug,
xoxoxox

[nancyk]

oh i was going to look for a photo that i have seen that was a magnificent tattoo over the scar from a mastectomy but i don't have to, you already have one.
i find that photo so powerful.
this is such a hard decision. i know what i would do, but then i don't because it hasn't happened to me.
and then my thoughts go to your wonderful daughter and am wondering how all this is affecting her, knowing that she is probably keeping her strong side out.
my thoughts and prayers are with you along with all the light you need to make your way.

[Linni]

You do what you have to do for YOU...
Speechless...a word that comes up for me right now...

friend....
by your side....
wish I could physically be there...
to make you giggle* :-)

or wipe a tear...
to rage with you...(teehee...sometimes quite funny)

or just sit...

but to be there for you...
with you...

just closing my eyes...hearing the wind softly moving through the trees...sending my love on the wind filled with softness...courage...laughter...

brave heart Sweetie - you already are!

Big hug,
Linni xx

[Stephanie]

Kateri~
Once in awhile, mostly during the day when i have a still moment amidst the chaos of my life, I reconnect to our joyous and laughter-filled friendship and quietly hold a space for you in my heart. Your thoughts here are like lighting a candle and watching the flame grow from tiny spark to tall and bright, reaching for the darkness around it. You are much like that flame, ever-reaching into the darkness to illuminate as much as you can. When you need a shoulder or a sounding board, I'm just a phone call or email and 20 minutes away.
xo-steph

[carmen]

I love your writing, your art! your honesty.
anything you write always always resonates with me and i thank you for your gift and the peace i feel after reading you.
you make a big difference, you do!
today i am thinking of you even more.
please know that you are certainly loved by me and many more in this internet world.
big hug.

[Relyn]

Kateri,

I've been away for a bit, but I wanted to write as soon as I read your words tonight. I don't know if the story I share will help. I don't know if words ever really help. Still, I share them in the hopes that they will provide comfort, hope, help you to feel peaceful.

My mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer 18 1/2 years ago. She had a mastectomy and several lymph nodes removed from under her left arm. She did not choose reconstruction. The risks were greater then, but I think she would chose the same way today. In the end, the breast is just a breast and she had a man who adored her. She choose quicker healing and a faster return to her "usual" life. I don't think there is ever a wrong choice to make in a situation like this. And, I do think the right choice is different for each individual. What I really wanted to say was that this Thanksgiving we will celebrate 19 years of being cancer free. We thank God for Grandma Ethel, our years with her, and her years of happily ever after with the man she loves. We thank God every single day.

I wish the same for you.

[robin'seggblue]

hi,
i have just stumbled across your blog by happenstance and find your writing to be thought provoking and insightful. thank you for writing such honest and deeply soul baring responses to the challenges and joys that you have faced in life. i too am searching for solace in a world that seems so beautiful and yet so confounding at the same time. i wish you much love and healing at this juncture in your life. be well......

ps. can i please quote your writing for my own journal/personal use?