Today sucked. From the first pre-dawn hours. One of those days where things go wrong, and where normally that would be fine, but the real disappoints present their ugly heads from deep inside and make everything hard to deal with. Ever feel like this?

Yes, you know exactly what I mean. Except they left out a few things didn't they? They left out the emotional and abstract things, the things we can't see or hold. And besides, that woman looks entirely too put together. And I'm assuming she has a migraine, too. Because I had one today on top of everything else. Everything else...
My daughter slept with me last night and said I was positively violent, stealing the blankets, kicking her, talking in my sleep. I woke up with a scratch on my forehead...trying to pick my brain? I'm usually one to fall asleep fast and never move till my eyes open. Obviously there is some kick-ass action-flick stuff taking place in my subconscious self. Or is it unconscious? Nah, I know it's there...
Why start a post about having a sucky day with a photo of a sunflower? Because I thought it was pretty, and I felt obliged to put a positive thumbprint of approval on this day after all. Because it's these kinds of days that help me see what I'm made of, and I'm thinking I still like myself pretty well, but I also humbled myself with a clear picture of how I am very humanly capable of dropping the ball. Or the myriad of other things I might be tossing in the air at any given time. Yep, human after all.
Yesterday I did come home and make a wonderful dinner for my daughter and I. She has been grounded to the house until she has secured a job. I have been giving her a plethora of tasks to do every day while I am at work, and she has not dropped the ball, at all. She has risen to the occasion. She filled out three applications today. She's getting the picture. We've had more time together since she is not allowed out and about, and it's been swell. I think she kind of likes it, too. Just look how happy she is to be sharing a meal with her mom:
Makes a mother feel good when her kid licks the bowl. Ha! But see, I did one thing right yesterday.
In other ways I feel like a failure as a mother lately. I've been too soft. I believe in soft, but I've been too soft. And now I get to be a hard ass and try to back-paddle and corral all the loose ends in and try to set things straight again. Thank God (thank you, God) that I was blessed with a kid who understands that I'm human. And that we both love each other despite our flaws, maybe even because of them. SO just as I realized I was dropping the balls, she was there picking them up and running with them. Ahhh, teamwork.
I love that kid.
Life is so fucking messy.
And today I had an epiphany at work. That people really suck. People can be so damn stupid and stubborn and blind and mean, cruel, evil, sharp-edged...human. I talked to some doozies today, let me tell ya. At one point I had to put my line on hold and leave my desk and walk outside before I blew a gasket. There I was, standing in the rain thinking "Who is this person sitting in my chair? Why is she getting so edgy? Why can't she let it roll off her back today?"
Human. Just like the rest of the idiots probably very nice folks I talked to all morning.
While I was out there letting off steam in the rain I remembered something I had read in an old issue of The Sun:
"People's choices are not based on a desire to hurt...Most are doing the best they can, given what information they've received and what problems they are facing. If you understand that's true for everyone, it's much harder to be judgmental about a particular person."
So wise, hey? "I should try harder to remember that." I thought to myself as I walked back in to my desk and placed my headset on.
Two calls later and I was pressing the mute button and saying into the dead air space "Can you put your dentures back in before you smack on another cheese puff. I can't understand a G**D*** word you're spitting."
Human.
When I came home tonight I was into a good old fashioned migraine. The kind I never get anymore, well, rarely. I took three aspirin with a large tumbler of red wine (Mas Igneus 2000 FA 206 to be precise...a lovely opaque red from Spain, heavy on the summer berry with a hint of old sneakers it seemed to me) and plopped into bed, leaving my phone on high volume. See, I was hoping to have a visit from a friend tonight, someone whose presence just makes my life better, and I slept right through his call. That just sucks, too. But I think he needed sleep as much as I did, and so probably all for the best. Anyhow, I woke up as hard as I fell, in a puddle of drool (well a dribble anyways) and soaked in sweat. But I felt better. So much better.
And now it's gaining on one in the morning and I'm wide awake and thinking how nice it is that I can come here and let off all of my angst. Hopefully, if you even read this far, I have not completely wasted your time. Just know I am very thankful for the privilege of being able to send my thoughts into the universe. Whoever ends up suffering through them..thank you :)
One last little ray of sunshine...when I opened my photo software to grab pictures for this post I noticed my daughter had taken a photo of our chubby cat, Nimue. What a good catch she made with this one! Seems like there is a message in that sweet, blissful little puss's face. Life is good to the last drop. Even when we've made a mess and spilled the first zillion. Lick it up folks...it don't last forever.
Write to me :)